Do-do post

I never considered myself to be a work-aholic, I have never had the urge to "always be doing", I used to be able to do nothing quite happily. My how times have changed. When one is forced into a state of "doing nothing" the restraints are just as confining as a full time job, but much less fulfilling. I wish I could just "do". We find ourselves thrown into another state of limbo here, now that Seth has decided to apply to different PhD programs. Now one thing is certain, and that is, there are no certainties.
The catalyst for this forlorn post is simple, the bill I received for my student loans today. Overwhelming in and of itself, but as I took my "eligibility quiz" for forbearance, I was asked to pick an end date to the delayed payment period. I burst into tears. I don't know the end date to this forbearance period of my life, let alone when we will be financially ready to start paying off my graduate school debts. I am filled with anger, anger that cannot be directed at any one thing in particular, it sits undefined as the lump in my throat, the tightness in my stomach. All because I cannot "do" anything about it. When I have struggled in the past, I was usually the cause of most of my hardship, and therefore could make changes to overcome and move through them. I dug myself out of debt, I restored my families trust that I could be relied upon to handle the responsibilities of being an adult, I took on these challenges and "did" something about them. Now there is nothing to "do" but wait, with patience and grace and support for the person who in my weaker moments I blame for putting me in this situation. I know the right answers, to just live in this moment, practice presence, do not get bogged down in the shameful past or unknown future. I know these things... but it is another thing entirely to "do" them.
In more uplifting news, I became an aunt 2x over last night, my auntie arms have been aching to cuddle with my new nephew, which will be another practice in patience as I will not get to meet him personally until December, by which time I may snatch him up and never return him.