Pictures for Seth

Seth expressed a belief that he was under-represented in this blog, so here are some pictures of the two of us, one at the Lafayette "Oktoberfest" and the second at the Snoop concert. Unfortunatly no pictures of my trip to Chicago as I forgot to pack the camera, bummer. At least Maribeth and I will always have our cherished memories....

Do-do post

I never considered myself to be a work-aholic, I have never had the urge to "always be doing", I used to be able to do nothing quite happily. My how times have changed. When one is forced into a state of "doing nothing" the restraints are just as confining as a full time job, but much less fulfilling. I wish I could just "do". We find ourselves thrown into another state of limbo here, now that Seth has decided to apply to different PhD programs. Now one thing is certain, and that is, there are no certainties.
The catalyst for this forlorn post is simple, the bill I received for my student loans today. Overwhelming in and of itself, but as I took my "eligibility quiz" for forbearance, I was asked to pick an end date to the delayed payment period. I burst into tears. I don't know the end date to this forbearance period of my life, let alone when we will be financially ready to start paying off my graduate school debts. I am filled with anger, anger that cannot be directed at any one thing in particular, it sits undefined as the lump in my throat, the tightness in my stomach. All because I cannot "do" anything about it. When I have struggled in the past, I was usually the cause of most of my hardship, and therefore could make changes to overcome and move through them. I dug myself out of debt, I restored my families trust that I could be relied upon to handle the responsibilities of being an adult, I took on these challenges and "did" something about them. Now there is nothing to "do" but wait, with patience and grace and support for the person who in my weaker moments I blame for putting me in this situation. I know the right answers, to just live in this moment, practice presence, do not get bogged down in the shameful past or unknown future. I know these things... but it is another thing entirely to "do" them.
In more uplifting news, I became an aunt 2x over last night, my auntie arms have been aching to cuddle with my new nephew, which will be another practice in patience as I will not get to meet him personally until December, by which time I may snatch him up and never return him.

I learned something new about myself, I hate James Joyce.

I wish I could say that I have some sort of writers block, but in all honesty, there has just been nothing to write about. My days are filled with forcing myself to watch the sixth season of " The Office" and laughing more because I want it to be funny than any actual comedic writing. Seth and I have been trying to keep busy with various festivals about town. Which have boiled down to "The Feast of the Hunters Moon" (an event where everything being sold has the prefix "ye olde".) And the local version of Oktoberfest, which is really just like the poor mans Fourth of July in October.
Ulysses defeated me. I got 100 pages in, and still had no idea why anyone would consider this a great piece of literature. Apparently it is a comparison to Homer's Odysseus.... Fine. Needless to say I will not be celebrating Blooms day with the Joyce fans come this June. I may be proclaiming myself to be an ignoramus, but I have vowed to never pick up another work by James Joyce for the remainder of my days. While in San Francisco I spoke with one of my cousin's friends, who is a literature professor at Cornell, who suggested that I may not relate to the writers on the Modern Library's Top 100 list because they are mostly middle aged white men who write about cheating on their wives, but she could not suggest an alternate list that would be more suited to my faithfully married young white unemployed tastes. I did some research of my own and found that Feminista! has put out a top 100 novels by female authors. Already I am much impressed, I just finished the Bastard out of Carolina, which was a story, with a plot, and characters who you could identify with. Well, maybe not me, as I have never lived in South Carolina, and I do know who my father is...

Pictures from the party

If you come to San Francisco Summertime will be a love-in there

Ahh San Francisco, being in a real city made me realize how much I want to be back in an urban environment. Just the novelty of sidewalks and shops with in walking distance was enough for me. I arrived in the morning and like a big girl, took the BART all by myself to my cousins office downtown. While riding a hobo serenaded me with "Easy like Sunday Morning". Another quality lacking from the country, the singing hobo. We get more of the stabbin' variety out here. At any rate, I was feeling so proud that I made it with Julia's directions, without getting lost or mugged, until I went back to the train to take a short jaunt two stops back so that I could walk around the mission area until Julia took off from work for the day. Then I made the fatal mistake of jumping on the Filmore train, which did not stop in the city, in fact it did not stop until we reached West Oakland. I managed to get back on a city train that took me to the mission and spent a good three hours walking the streets, sitting in the very hip Dolores Park, and buying delicious pastries from Tartine. I stayed outside the city with my aunt and uncle in Mill Valley, and spent the rest of the weekend eating, drinking wine and visiting with all of my aunts and uncles plus a few of my cousins and more than a few of their kids. Elizabeth and James are an adorable couple and their party was a perfect day filled with more food, wine and friendly bat gamin/volleyball tournaments.
One of my favorite parts of the weekend though, was getting to see everyone in Salt Lake on my way out, it is so strange to think that I have been gone for over four months. I have become an expert party planner of the pity variety when I think of all that I have/will miss out on. But I know that my connections to friends and family are greater than any distance that is put between us. I keep reminding myself that I have made friends in the past and am therefore somewhat likeable, so I should be able to connect with someone in the future, but then I also remember the many enemies that I have accumulated over the years...